The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”.
You know it’s serious when we become “A Bit Cross” – this hasn’t happened since 1940 (The Blitz), when Jerry nearly cut off the tea supply and the nation genuinely considered violence.
Terrorists, once politely filed under “Tiresome,” have now been upgraded to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time we went full Bloody Nuisance was back in 1588, when some Spaniards turned up with an Armada, and we sent them packing with bad weather, sharp sticks, and a national sense of massive smugness.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French, meanwhile, have moved from “Run” to “Hide.” Above that, they’ve got “Collaborate” and the legendary “Surrender.” Unfortunately, a tragic fire at the national white flag factory has left the country in a state of military paralysis. Sacré bleu.
Italy has raised its level from “Shout Loudly and Wave Arms” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Next steps: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Switch Sides (Again).” Tradition is tradition, after all.
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels and leaving them with just beer, chocolate, and smug cycling tourists.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms, so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be all right, Mate”. Two more escalation levels remain, “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie!” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far, no situation has ever warranted the use of the final escalation level.
