Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1975 – A crowd gathers, bets a few pennies on the outcome, and Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands, grab a Coke, and become best mates by dinnertime.
2025 – Someone calls 999, an Armed Response Unit shows up like it’s Die Hard 6, and both kids are handcuffed. Everyone’s phone is confiscated because the fight went viral before the dust settled. They’re both slapped with assault charges, ASBOs and suspensions. The video meanwhile is trending on TikTok with 2 million views by bedtime.
Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class.
1975 – Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office, given 6 of the best, and returns to class like a chastened choirboy. Disruption over.
2025 – Jeffrey is diagnosed with 47 acronyms, prescribed enough Ritalin to sedate a rhinoceros, and spends the rest of the term drooling on his desk. The school earns a shiny new budget for having a “special needs” student. Jeffrey? Now a zombie.
Scenario: Billy breaks the window of his neighbour’s car.
1975 – Dad gives Billy a whack with the slipper. Billy learns about consequences, straightens up, and eventually runs his own business.
2025 – Dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is sent to foster care, joins a gang, and his sister is suddenly “recovering memories” of imaginary trauma thanks to a psychologist who—wait for it—ends up having an affair with Mum. Dad? Off to prison. Psychologist? Promoted. Billy? Future star of Crimewatch.
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.
1975 – Mark smokes behind the gym with the principal, who bums a light. No one dies.
2025 – Police are called; Mark is treated like a cartel kingpin and is arrested for drug possession. His car is torn apart looking for weapons. Mark now has a criminal record and can’t get into university despite his straight A’s.
Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1975 – Mohammed retakes the test, passes, and goes to college. End of story.
2025 – A human rights group jumps on it, and suddenly the Daily Mail is foaming at the mouth. The Civil Liberties Association files a lawsuit claiming that English is racist. English is banned from the curriculum. Mohammed gets a diploma anyway but can’t fill out a job application. Now mows lawns while everyone insists this is “progress.”
Scenario: Johnny blows up an anthill with leftover firecrackers.
1975 – Ants die. Johnny wins.
2025 – MI5 is on the phone, and Johnny is now a “domestic terrorist.” His parents’ laptops are confiscated, his siblings are sent to foster care, and Dad is on a watch list for “extremist behaviour.” All because of ants, who now have human-rights.
Scenario: Little Johnny falls at break and scrapes his knee. Teacher Mary comforts him.
1975 – Mary gives Johnny a hug, he feels better, and runs off to play tag with his mates.
2025 – Mary is accused of being a predator, fired, and threatened with prison time. Johnny is in therapy for five years and now identifies as a cat named ‘Felix McWhiskers’. Everyone considers this to be progress.
Moral of the Story?
We’ve officially lost the plot. 1975 might have been rough around the edges, but 2025 is basically a dystopian episode of Black Mirror with lawyers.
