Humour

When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please”. Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning. If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win. The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased by 13,000 percent. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris. On the 7th day, God rested, and Chuck Norris took over. Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never. Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!” Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling. Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete. Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice. Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. Later I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now and am just looking for a girl with big tits.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”.  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”. The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”. Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels … The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate”. Two more escalation levels remain “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted the use of the final escalation level.