Humour

Checking out at the supermarket recently, the young cashier suggested I should bring in my own bags because plastic ones weren’t good for the environment. I apologised and explained that we didn’t have the green thing in our day. The cashier responded, “That it’s our problem today because your generation did not care enough to save our environment for the future generation!” She was right about 1 thing we didn’t have the green thing in our day, so what did we have? After some reflection and soul-searching on our day, here’s what I remembered. Back then we returned milk bottles, fizzy pop and beer bottles to the store and the store returned them to the manufacturer, where the bottles were washed sterilised and re-used, so the same bottles were being recycled. But we didn’t have the green thing! We walked upstairs because we didn’t have escalators and lifts in every store or office building. We walked to the shops and didn’t climb into a 300-horse-powered machine every time we wanted to go two streets away. But we didn’t have the green thing in our day! Back then we washed the baby’s nappies, we didn’t have the throw-away kind. We dried our clothes on a line, not on an energy-gobbling machine burning 240 volts – wind and solar power really did dry our clothes! But we didn’t have the green thing in our day! Kids got hand-me-downs from their brothers or sisters and not brand-new clothing every time. But we didn’t have the green thing in our day. Back then we had 1 TV or radio in the house, not a TV in every room, and the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of Wales! In the kitchen we blended or stirred by hand, we didn’t have electric machines doing everything for us. When we packed a parcel for posting it was wrapped in old newspapers, to protect them, not Styrofoam or bubble wrap. Back then we didn’t fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the grass, we used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to the gym or health club to go on a treadmill run on electricity. But we didn’t have the green thing. Back then we drank from a fountain when we were thirsty, instead of using a plastic cup or bottle every time we needed a drink. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying new ones, and we replaced the blades of a razor instead of throwing them away when they went blunt. But we didn’t have the green thing back then. Back then people took buses and kids took their bikes to school or walked instead of Mum being a 24-hour taxi service. We had 1 electrical outlet in each room not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances, and we didn’t need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from a satellite 2,000 miles away in space to find the nearest pizza joint. But we didn’t have the green thing back then. One final point – In August 1967, the UK Electric Vehicle Association put out a press release stating that Britain had more battery-electric vehicles on its roads than the rest of the world combined. (Source: Wikipedia) Sadly, the current generation laments how wasteful we older folk were just because we didn’t do the green thing! Please forward this if you wish to teach another selfish old person a lesson in conservation from a smarty-pants, no it all, up their own arse, ignorant young person!

Is ‘FUCK’ the most versatile word in the English language?   The word ‘Fuck’ must be the most versatile word in the English language. Let’s face it, whenever you say the word ‘Fuck’, its meaning truly reflects the context. Subtle Example – Why the FUCKING FUCK don’t you FUCKING subscribe to the best FUCKING website in the FUCKING World, you stupid FUCK. Are you a FUCKING FUCKWIT? You can use it to express anger, surprise, frustration, and pleasure to name but a few. Just in case you have any doubts as to the versatility of the word, I have put together a little list as follows: – Dismay – Oh! Fuck It. Aggression – Fuck You! Passive – Fuck Me. Command – Go Fuck Yourself. Incompetence – He’s a Fuck-Up. Laziness – He doesn’t give a Fuck. Ignorance – He’s a Fucking Jerk. Trouble – I’m Fucked. Confusion – What the Fuck? Despair – I’m Fucked again. Philosophical – Who gives a Fuck? Denial – I don’t Fucking know. Rebellion – Fuck the World. Annoyance – Don’t Fuck with me. Encouragement – Keep Fucking going. Etiquette – Pass the Fucking salt. Identification – Who the Fuck are you? Observation – You’re a dumb-looking Fuck. Agreement – You’re Fucking right. Benevolence – Don’t do me any Fucking favours.   Top Ten Times in History When The ‘F’ Word Was Appropriate.   “What the Fuck was that?” – Mayor of Hiroshima, August 1945. “Where did all these Fucking Indians come from?” – Custer, 1877. “Any Fucking idiot could understand that.” – Einstein, 1938. “It does SO Fucking look like her!” – Picasso, 1926. “How the Fuck did you work that out?” – Pythagoras, 126 BC. “You want WHAT on the Fucking ceiling?” – Michelangelo, 1566. “I don’t suppose it’s gonna Fucking rain.” – Joan of Arc, 1434. “Scattered Fucking showers…my ass!” – Noah, 314 BC. “I need this parade like I need a Fucking hole in my head!” – JFK, 1963. “Aw c’mon, Who the Fuck is going to find out?” – Bill Clinton, 1997.

You’re nothing but a ‘Smelly Turd Pirate’. I hurt my knee the other day, and you can see the damage from my x-ray. #hunglikeamoose I was born Male, I identify as Male, but according to Sainsburys Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding I am actually a family of four.

1. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right. 2. I didn’t think orthopaedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected. 3. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care. 4. Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore Apple’s terms and conditions. 5. If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. 6. The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP. 7. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. 8. A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’ 9. I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them. 10. The rotation of the Earth really makes my day. 11. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 12. Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop? 13. Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at. 14. I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer. 15. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’ 16. A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres. 17. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. 18. The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a ‘no bell’ prize. 19. A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair… 20. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work. 21. ‘I have a split personality,’ said Tom, being Frank. 22. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”

More Facts About Chuck When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris. There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life. Chuck Norris died 20 years ago; Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants. Jesus may have walked on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land. Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck’s gas tank as a joke…. that truck is now known as Optimus Prime. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattlesnake. After three days of pain and agony, the rattlesnake died. Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs. Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long. Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird. Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi. Some people wear Superman pyjamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas. The cure for cancer is Chuck Norris’ tears. Too bad Chuck Norris never cries. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1973 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best mates. 2023 – Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings were conducted. The video is shown on 6 internet sites. Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupting other students. 1973 – Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt the class again. 2023 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. The school gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario: Billy breaks the window of his neighbour’s car, and his dad gives him the slipper. 1973 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2023 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion. Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school. 1973 – Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out in the smoking area. 2023 – Police are called, and Mark is arrested for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English. 1973 – Mohammed retakes his exam, passes, and goes to college. 2023 – Mohammed’s cause is taken up by a local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files a class action lawsuit against the state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from the core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane and blows up an anthill. 1973 – Ants die. 2023 – MI5 and police are called, and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents. Siblings are removed from the home. Computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list. Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying and gives him a hug to comfort him. 1973 – Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing. 2023 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy and now identifies as a cat.