Government Theory

The Dead Horse Theory (a.k.a. Modern Government in a Nutshell)   The Dakota Indians had it nailed centuries ago: “When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.” Simple, logical, elegant. Sensible advice. Straightforward. The kind of thing any half-witted child could grasp. But not our politicians. OH, NO! When it comes to running the country and particularly the NHS, they’ve turned flogging a dead horse into a bloody Olympic sport. Here’s how they do it: Buy a stronger whip. Because flogging a corpse always works. Change the rider. Same shit, different arse. Appoint a committee. Meetings fix everything, right? Fly around the world to see how other countries ride their dead horses. A Jolly at the taxpayers’ expense. Lower the standards so the dead horse technically qualifies as “alive-ish.” Rebrand it: it’s not dead, it’s “living-impaired.” Sorted! Hire overpriced consultants to recommend flogging it harder. Strap a bunch of dead horses together and call it “innovation.” Throw money at it. Billions. Trillions. Taxpayers love that. Commission a productivity study: “Would thinner jockeys make the corpse run faster?” Spin it: “Dead horses are cheaper – no feed required! Look at the savings for the economy!” Rewrite the targets so the dead horse technically succeeds. And finally – ‘the pièce de résistance’ Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. Make it a senior manager on £200k a year, give it a shiny new title like Director of Equine Sustainability, and make a press release about “record investment in healthcare.”   If you don’t get this, you clearly haven’t been alive long enough to watch our governments (all of them – regardless of party) dress up incompetence as strategy. The rest of us? We’re standing here screaming: “GET OFF THE FUCKING HORSE, YOU ABSOLUTE LUNATICS.”