Finally, another Almighty Dump. It has been a while.
Sorry it’s been such a long time for another dump, but I’m now back with a new site design (hope you like it) and I will be posting regularly.
I have loads of new material and a new lease of life for sarcastic, ironic, piss-taking and downright offensive articles.
You have been warned, my little Mooselings!
What is a Billion?
The next time some politician casually drops the word billion like it’s just loose change down the back of the Westminster sofa, stop and think: do you really want that clown and their cronies spending YOUR tax money?
A billion sounds like Monopoly money until you break it down, as follows:
- A billion seconds ago (1994) – Chaka Demus & Pliers were in the charts, and politicians were still lying bastards.
- A billion minutes ago (give or take 100 years) – Jesus was knocking about, and the Romans were charging their own taxes (What have the Romans ever done for us).
- A billion hours ago – Humans were smashing rocks together in caves. Which, ironically, is what most MPs still do today.
- A billion days ago – nothing on two legs was even walking the Earth. Which, again, explains Parliament.
- A billion quid ago? Roughly 13 hours and 12 minutes back, judging by how fast this lot burns through it.
And where does all that lovely cash come from?
Stamp Duty, Council Tax, VAT, Petrol Tax, Inheritance Tax (aka ‘Congrats, someone died, pay up’), TV licence, booze tax, fags’ tax, vehicle tax, and about 47 others they haven’t even made up yet but definitely will.
So, when the government shrugs and says, ‘Oh, it’s just a few billion’, remember, to them, it’s pocket money. But to you, It’s your wallet, your pint, your petrol, and your patience.
The Journey of a Man (or a Moose).
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. Later I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So, I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So, I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now and am just looking for a girl with big tits.
A Few Bits and Pieces.
- History is not there for you to like or dislike. It is there for you to learn from it. And if it offends you, even better. Because then you are less likely to repeat it. It’s not yours to erase. It belongs to all of us!
- I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles, and now I’m experiencing constant vowel movements. The next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
- I joined a Carpenter’s Class the other day. We haven’t made anything yet, but we’ve only just begun.
- Next time you’re feeling down, remember life is all about perspective. I have a friend who has sex 2–3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison.
That’s it for the latest edition of The Almighty Dump.
I would just like to end on a high note.
Forever yours – Moose Almighty.
10 responses
Moose Almighty – like watching a political debate, but with less substance and slightly more integrity. Pass the popcorn, will you?
Passing the popcorn as requested, darling. You’ve clearly confused my blog with Parliament. At least my drivel doesn’t cost the taxpayer a penny. Cheers!
You have to love an almighty dump from The Moose.
Can’t wait for more!
As refreshingly insightful as a politician’s promise. Makes a wet Tuesday in Slough seem positively thrilling.
The Almighty Dump RETURNS!, a text so rich in substance, I mistook it for the contents of my cat’s litter tray. Splendid.
Ah, Dump 003 – like a reality TV show, but with marginally more substance and considerably less spray tan. Delightfully dismal!
Delightfully dismal – I’ll take it. Beats being a sun-kissed disaster, don’t you think? Thanks for your oh-so-glowing endorsement.
Welcome back Moose, you have been missed.
Love the new site.
Dump 003. A smorgasbord of nonsense, like a Boris Johnson press conference but with slightly more credibility. Pass the popcorn, love.
Your wits as dry as a gin martini, darling. But if I’m Boris, then you’re certainly the popcorn – slightly salty, but mostly air.